Forever Falling, But Never Fallen

 

Lost, cold and alone, with this depression that’s controlling my dome,

Endless suppression, the silent tears, swear I’m never feeling at home;

Running lost, sleep is coming less, my mind never stops its roam.

All I want is peace and calm, but when I close my eyes, the demons come.

 

Building walls around me, I isolated my psyche, protective yet detrimental,

Safe within these walls, keeping in my comfort zone was essential.

I cried rivers of pain, dripping into a sea of torment, every emotion substantial;

Going outside was a nightmare, the streets full of doubt and fear, caging my potential.

 

The fear was inside my heart and it gripped my brain, and did what it did best,

Suffocating and eradicating, it filled me with self hate, succumbing to its behest.

This beast that rages in my chest, like walking a tightrope while trying to rest;

My pride dented, my soul a ghost, some days couldn’t talk much, no zest.

 

Time passes and the beast sets up home right beside me, one and the same,

I could have given him a name, he came and went, playing me like a game.

How long would it remain, this beast that rages in my chest, king of my domain,

Amidst the darkness bursts of light shone through the gloom, depression in refrain.

 

I distanced myself from the beast, I observed it like it wasn’t me, a separate entity,

I became the observer and the observed, two parts to the whole, dual identity;

I ran away, looked for escapes to mask the pain, burying what was an eventuality,

I grew new insecurities, about who I was and what to do, with a toxic tempera-mentality.

 

That’s not to say the beast was here to stay, this monster could be slain

Only I could slay the demon that escaped its cage, that filled me with pain,

I was to find the rhythm and the reason that would keep it detained.

It was up to me and no one else, a fight that was mine, to fear no shame.

 

The long road, unpicking superficial complexities and delicate intricacies;

Realising that the existential weight was nothing but conditioned fallacies,

The love of humanity resided in my heart, oh little me, crying comfortably

In my precious and sensitive state, caged and alone, not aware I was running from me.

 

The beast fought and snarled, bite and scratched every step of the way,

It wasn’t a fight that would be over soon, I had to be careful of its swings and moods.

Spouting cliches of positivity that didn’t work, I was to get back to basics, be crude,

Get past that mental noise, those static thoughts, those patterns of normality, be shrewd.

 

This goes beyond any doctor or little pill, it struck a chord, that I was really ill.

Do not rely on them, rely on you, you have the solution, you have the answer;

To cement yourself against this beast, find the love that goes deep, you aren’t a cancer.

Be patient, it’s a struggle to juggle and study this persona, where you don’t get a diploma.

 

You have to change habits, drastically and rapid, know the roots and beat them back,

Try everything and nothing, sprint up some stairs, meditate to the stars, keep on track

Eat some colourful food, not the golden arches, but stuff from the fruit market;

Just try, there’s no harm in it.

 

© Jack Nugent

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Day’s Gone By

I’ve been a child;

I’ve been a boy,

I’ve lied;

Cried.

 

The years never stopped going by

And I never stopped learning,

Never stopped;

Making mistakes.

 

How many times,

Have I changed;

Have I changed?

Ripples on the surface.

 

Philosophise, contemplate

Am I too late?

To understand my fate;

To finally lose myself.

 

To the beating of my heart,

My chest echoes:

The beats of my past

Of the thousands of my ancestors, that brought me here.

 

Stretching back into history;

All of humanity is in my veins

In a veiled environment,

My skin is pale, but my blood is ours.

 

However,

I am still that boy,

I thought I left behind;

Many years ago.

 

© Jack Nugent

 

 

 

Desert Night

 

Sand blows atop the dunes.

My lover’s voice is lost in the wind;

The vast stars shine above us,

A lizard scuttles by.

 

The waves of our love soak the endless sands;

A spark in the night.

 

Hand in hand we criss-crossed with nocturnal creature’s footprints.

 

We slept under rugs in a nomads tent.

Curled close,

The moon turned the sand cold;

The fire lost it’s use.

 

We searched each other’s bodies for warmth,

And found it in the desert silence.

Watching the sun return;

The morning rays shone love.

 

Years later,

In times of solace

That night keeps me warm.

 

© Jack Nugent

 

 

 

 

 

 

Home

Home is not that homely.

There’s dog shit and litter,

Outside my front door;

The seagulls control my sleep, and wake me up just for fun.

 

Terraced Housing of all colours,

Much like the people who live within their walls.

Everyone has a dog or cat or a baby or a fucking car;

Or more.

 

The greetings are varied;

“Assalamu alalikum”

“Yahk sheh mash”

“Alrite”

But they all sound the same to me.

 

Half the people voted for Brexit

The other half didn’t bother.

I debated the politics

With my immigrant friends.

 

My home is home.

We are the ones who build communities;

Buildings & walls,

Do not create societies.

 

© Jack Nugent

 

 

 

Desire

Are we not creatures of pleasure,

Seeking out that which would satisfy us;

Temporary or wholesome?

I have not found everlasting contentment.

 

Good food, cigarettes, television, sex…..

Is that not enough.

Property, jobs and comfort.

The need for something permanent.

The lust to be loved.

 

This is not enough.

 

We become dissatisfied;

And seek another object,

To replace our dissatisfaction;

Something better, nobler, more refined.

 

Do we ever find it?

 

© Jack Nugent