Forever Falling, But Never Fallen

 

Lost, cold and alone, with this depression that’s controlling my dome,

Endless suppression, the silent tears, swear I’m never feeling at home;

Running lost, sleep is coming less, my mind never stops its roam.

All I want is peace and calm, but when I close my eyes, the demons come.

 

Building walls around me, I isolated my psyche, protective yet detrimental,

Safe within these walls, keeping in my comfort zone was essential.

I cried rivers of pain, dripping into a sea of torment, every emotion substantial;

Going outside was a nightmare, the streets full of doubt and fear, caging my potential.

 

The fear was inside my heart and it gripped my brain, and did what it did best,

Suffocating and eradicating, it filled me with self hate, succumbing to its behest.

This beast that rages in my chest, like walking a tightrope while trying to rest;

My pride dented, my soul a ghost, some days couldn’t talk much, no zest.

 

Time passes and the beast sets up home right beside me, one and the same,

I could have given him a name, he came and went, playing me like a game.

How long would it remain, this beast that rages in my chest, king of my domain,

Amidst the darkness bursts of light shone through the gloom, depression in refrain.

 

I distanced myself from the beast, I observed it like it wasn’t me, a separate entity,

I became the observer and the observed, two parts to the whole, dual identity;

I ran away, looked for escapes to mask the pain, burying what was an eventuality,

I grew new insecurities, about who I was and what to do, with a toxic tempera-mentality.

 

That’s not to say the beast was here to stay, this monster could be slain

Only I could slay the demon that escaped its cage, that filled me with pain,

I was to find the rhythm and the reason that would keep it detained.

It was up to me and no one else, a fight that was mine, to fear no shame.

 

The long road, unpicking superficial complexities and delicate intricacies;

Realising that the existential weight was nothing but conditioned fallacies,

The love of humanity resided in my heart, oh little me, crying comfortably

In my precious and sensitive state, caged and alone, not aware I was running from me.

 

The beast fought and snarled, bite and scratched every step of the way,

It wasn’t a fight that would be over soon, I had to be careful of its swings and moods.

Spouting cliches of positivity that didn’t work, I was to get back to basics, be crude,

Get past that mental noise, those static thoughts, those patterns of normality, be shrewd.

 

This goes beyond any doctor or little pill, it struck a chord, that I was really ill.

Do not rely on them, rely on you, you have the solution, you have the answer;

To cement yourself against this beast, find the love that goes deep, you aren’t a cancer.

Be patient, it’s a struggle to juggle and study this persona, where you don’t get a diploma.

 

You have to change habits, drastically and rapid, know the roots and beat them back,

Try everything and nothing, sprint up some stairs, meditate to the stars, keep on track

Eat some colourful food, not the golden arches, but stuff from the fruit market;

Just try, there’s no harm in it.

 

© Jack Nugent

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